Growing Pains.

Hey, it’s been quite a while. I mean...I hardly even made it out of the blocks with this blog before completely falling off from it. Over the months, I questioned whether to just erase this platform and forget about it altogether (despite writing numerous drafts, travelling a few trips which never made it to content and fighting the many urges to share this journey through life), but then I would remind myself of the courage it took for me to start in the first place and that I owe it to myself to at some point pick it back up. Someone once said something along the lines of you haven’t failed until you’ve given up (I believe it was Einstein, no?) and one thing I dread immensely is failure. So here I am. Back with a sort of explanation as to why I went missing in action and bit of peace for anyone who may relate to what I’m about to say. 

*Disclaimer: the following contains sensitive content*

The truth is simple, life is sometimes bloody hard. It’s questionable, at times difficult to get on with. It’s taken me this long to even feel comfortable admitting to it, being the “strong-minded” girl I’m often praised to be. Amongst striving for success and the general worries that come at this age (such as life after uni, gotta build a career, got to save for a house, when will I marry, wait...I'm single af aka ‘the quarter-life crisis’) I faced many other challenging obstacles in the form of love & heartbreak, a loss of pregnancy, uncertainty of my full-time job and the sudden death of a relative due to cancer; all in the space of 6 months. Fair to say I hit an all time low; emotionally drained, confused, frustrated. Depressed, actually. Many nights I cried myself to sleep and many days I woke up wishing I hadn’t, but I fought through and put on a face to the rest of the world. 

These were the type of events that had me questioning the meaning of life, my own purpose more specifically; generally dealing with an overwhelming state of worthlessness & pangs of worry. During this time I also found myself constantly looking back & romanticising on the past, the good old days…because its ever-so easy to forget any of the challenges we’ve faced previously as we navigate our problems today. The issue with looking back is we will never move forward, and so my intention for this post is less about dwelling and more about healing. As my therapist told me last week, it’s about how we cope. We can look at everything happening in our external world and too easily internalise it all, but it is only within our power to decide how we cope through these difficult times.

I will start by saying that I do recognise how fortunate I am to have a strong support system around me, but for those who get where I’m coming from depression can for the most part feel very lonely. I have an amazing family and bunch of friends who I know are all there for me, but what do you tell someone who thinks they have all the answers? And how do you battle the inner-conflict between this perception as ‘the strong one’ and true moments of vulnerability?

Coming into the new year, I made a conscious decision that I did not want to ride the wave any longer, ultimately I was just feeling sorry for myself and became attached to these feelings and negative thought processes, losing all sense of who I am or who I want to be. What I’ve since figured is that we have to learn to separate ourselves from our problems and not allow them to define who we are. 

My healing process has consisted of taking a detox from Instagram (because we know that we sub-consciously consume and compare ourselves to everyone seemingly living their best lives), I’ve had a few counselling sessions through Forward-Thinking Birmingham because talking definitely helps and even more so with an unbiased professional that guides you to make sense of your emotions, and finally I’ve made more of an effort to do more of the things that I love and that make me happy (i.e. this blog). In a matter of a few days, I am leaving the same job mentioned above, as it’s unfulfilling and has for some time been a contributing factor to my low moods and anxiety, although I’ve not yet found my dream job to transition into. This may sound crazy to some and yes, I am somewhat anxious about what will come and how long it could take but it’s a risk I was willing to take for the betterment of my mental health and overall happiness. 

So many of us suffer and feel as though our battles are the end of the world, but the fact we woke up this morning is a chance to make a life worth living. I find peace in knowing that whatever I may be dealing with there is always someone else going through better or worse and so now I take these struggles as an opportunity to grow. I’m here to say that no matter what you are going through, always stay true to yourself and be the peace that you deserve. 

For flowers cannot grow without rain and with growth often comes pain. <3

This post is dedicated to “the strong ones”, those like me who others view as such and perhaps we portray ourselves as this too. But we’re human and we're allowed to have moments of vulnerability. This is your reminder that vulnerability isn’t weakness and to please allow yourself to feel. Because take it from me, it only gets worse the more you try to fight feelings of discomfort, grief, confusion, anger, pain. Be kind and compassionate with yourself and take the time necessary to heal; no one is asking you to be strong all the time. Life as we all know is not a straight and narrow and we may get lost along the way; but sometimes to lose yourself is to find yourself.

Rest in Eternal Peace Aunty Doreen x